- your v i n t a g e rockstar.

; when reality hits you hard.

went t sch for proj discussion this morning. my elective prof is damn on, second week of sch and he wants us t do presentation already. damn scared i cant catch up w his on-ness. and i added another baf elective today, i just hope i wont die under the workload.

i think i have been in my comfort zone for too long. or maybe i just chose to ignore certain things so that i dont have to change myself. well, as they say, ignorance is bliss. but it certainly isnt blissful when you find out what you have been ignorant about all these while.

yea and i discovered smth lately. there is a hell lot of zai ppl hiding in various places in sch. some of them are well-known, some of them are not so well known among the normal students but all the smartest ppl know they exist. there are so many of such ppl that i'm surrounded by. the worst thing is i'm not one of them! i'm like the most 没出息 one. i dont have an impressive cca record, neither do i have an excellent academic record. i also dont have a broad knowledge of current affairs, and i'm not leader material. i think i'm a damn sad case, cos usually ppl who have no brains are beautiful and vice versa. but i obviously dont have both. i have nothing t my name and i'm so average until i cant be anymore average. and needless t say, my job upon graduation is also an average one with average pay. how special can my job be when nearly 3/4 of the cohort is going to be doing the same thing as me?

sigh, but who can i blame when i did not work my ass off harder, when i chose t use my free time on shopping rather than joining more meaningful ccas and activities like CASE competition, when i chose t shun newspapers for magazines like CLEO and what not and when my weird personality just doesnt seem t fit into any bank's culture.

but i still cannot overcome the emotions i felt when i knew abt someone's grades. that someone leads an even more slack university life than me, does not study much till the last few weeks before exams, has that gift t crap during exams and has generally always not done better than me in the past. but that someone's most recent grades were not only better than mine, but nearly straight As kind like a first class honours student's usual grades! how would you feel if you know someone who is not as smart/capable as you but he/she does so much better suddenly in the 2nd last sem of uni? or maybe its not that someone is getting smarter, just that that someone knows how to make use of their strength to do better. so maybe i'm not smart enough to choose electives which are areas i'm stronger in so that i can do better and pull up my gpa.

but either way somehow i just feel 不服. i know its not right cos that someone is a friend, and i shld be feeling happy that someone is doing smth abt studies but i cannot help it. and a lot of my friends told me not t think abt the past semester and focus on doing well this semester instead. i'm trying, but the recollection of my disgraceful performance last sem just bruises my ego badly. :( and it doesnt do any good t my confidence.

sigh, i've ranted long enough and i dont expect anyone to finish reading this post. but if you've actually read this far, thanks for reading and sharing my woes. i'm going to read up on my elective now, since i need to go for another meeting tmr t finalise on the presentation

& for you, i would.

Friday, January 11, 2008